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Rambleing thoughts a bit of my life.....my faith.
My thoughts here, my ramble (which I sometimes do too often :o), are but a bit of stuff of my life, that may shed some thought of my faith or my idea of faith.
I don't go to church often, don't shout the or rejoice Gods name in public, and sometimes, question the existence of Jesus, as his son (he has not arrived yet?). So how strong is my faith? Growing up in Quebec, Canada in the 50's and early 60's, I was influenced strongly by my church. My Catholic church. I attended private Catholic school until 4th grade, until we relocated to California, where I then attended public school. In Canada, my mother was active president of the PTA for yrs, and very involved with our parish. Our Monsignor was a very good friend of the family, and was at our house often (you can imagine him over at our house for dinner.I was in awe. Even some of the lay teachers were over for dinner. I had a huge crush on Mrs Early. What a beauty. I was so so speechless at the dinner table). Catholic school attire, was the typical uniform sort of thing with the blue blazers with crest displaying the cross, with the school name, and of course the gray slacks. Priest, nuns and laymen were the teaching staff. Yes, they were strict. Maybe too strict. For instance if you answered the math questions wrong, in oral tests, the teacher (layman) would come over to your desk and hit your knuckles with a ruler. If you had gum in your mouth, you had to sit in class with the gum on your nose until class ended. Not sure if this affected the children over the long run, but that's how it was. Maybe that is why my math skills are not so strong. I was hit on the knuckles too much, and still afraid I will get hit again if I get the wrong answer(lol). I clam up. But in the long run I never gave up on God. The school classes attended mass every Wednesday, in the school auditorium so I guess I was pretty religious. Or maybe brainwashed to be religious. I even built an alter in my bedroom, and went though all the rituals. I so wanted to be an alter boy as my cousin was. I was very shy in school, few friends. But things in my child hood, a brush with death and pneumonia. Ill for years, and nursed back to health by my adoptive mother , were some of the things that strengthened me with the help of my god. Even though not a big thing to others, I remember one night having a terrible sore throat, and earache. So painful, I could die. I did not want to wake parents, so I prayed hard. I eventually fell asleep, and woke up the next day fine. I believed the prayer did help, whether this was coincidence or not, this memory still sticks with me today. Of course we had to do the obligatory confession thing. At such a young age, what sins do we have? So of course one had to exaggerate, and tell the priest something, so we could be absolved of something. But eventually we slowed down on that, in Canada and in California. Our Monsignor friend told my mom that really, one did not have to go to confession as often as we think we should. Just pray to God, privately at night, and ask him to forgive you of any wrong doings, forgive others, and you will be blessed. What a forward thought. Especially coming form a French Canadian Priest! Of the 50's even. Over the yrs I heard that he was quite a mover and shaker for the parish. Sorta ahead of his time. Proof of our faith was shown by my parents. My parents were quite social, comfortable, but not rich by any means. And very well connected to the who's who of the town. This city, had its political strife. Catholics and Protestants not at ease with each other. French and English not at ease with each other. And no one at ease with the Jews. It was not openly blatant. But my mom said the prejudice was there. At least in their circle of friends. But looking back, my parents, were really the ones that followed the right path. Some of my parents friends, would ask, why they allowed me to play with Cathy Eichenburg (my child hood sweetheart). Why are they socializing with the family. They are Jewish you know. Why is Ricky playing with Peter Cory. They are Polish you know. Why is he hanging out the Susanne. She is French you know. My parents replied, they are fine and wonderful people. Basically saying" Mind your own business". They followed the right path of God. Which was instilled in me even today.
In California, much had changed. New life, different attitudes. The hippie era was ahead. My parents were lost, and had their own adjustment to deal with. I was the "alien", new kid in school. Yes "4 eyes" Rick, shy, sitting in the back of the class. Badgered by my peers. And there was the school bully that would beat me up once in awhile. But I continued to pray for help, and patience. I took karate to boost my confidence, and protect me too. It helped. As I entered my teens, and High School, I still was the shy guy. I really stopped going to church often, but still did not forget my god. I dated in high school, a nice Jewish/Catholic girl. She was involved in the Christian group in high school. I joined of course. But eventually we broke up, and I cut my self away from the Christian group also. I really did not like the group to begin with. I really did not think they were genuine to begin with. Sort of a "Fad" with them. Almost two faced in a way. Plus I think, and still think to this day, when they have to mention God in every other sentence, and bless everyone they talk to, that is a bit too much. Going overboard. Almost an obsession. It looses its sincerity. Loosing the real importance of God. Less is more as they say. Gestures and good deeds can show others the strength of Gods love. Not pontificating. College was next. There I blossomed. Both physically and mentally. Yes. I partied quite a bit. Dated, joined a fraternity (still had not come out to me yet). I had a hard time in class, I majored in Chemistry and later Biology. I really prayed at this moment in time (remember the ruler and knuckles?). But though perseverance, and a lot of prayer (I needed a lot) I graduated. Out of school, and work hard to find, I tried my hand in Real Estate. It was a good break from the sciences (which I loved). But I loved Real Estate too. I sure prayed a lot then too. I think I went thought 4 or 5 recessions. Boom and Bust. At that point in time, through circumstance I had discovered I was gay. And boy! Then I really prayed! Confused, guilty, sin ridden; the normal thing that many of us go thought during our discovery period. Of course it took time to accept myself, my lifestyle. My father at this time had developed ALS, a debilitating disease. To watch him change over time, and how my mom took care of him was an inspiration. God was certainly there to help all of us then. Back to the church and prayer, I tried to sort out these new gay experiences and feelings. And over time, and introspection and retrospection, I figured out that "I am" part of Gods plan. My faith grew stronger. My church attendance did dwindle a bit. I periodically attended the gay catholic services for awhile. It was nice seeing that so many like me can pray and be together. But also in my plan, was to meet someone. But as it seems, many people I already knew. And others were from the bar scene. That's ok. But not a serious LTR crowd. I eventually stopped going. But I think had I been a bit more patient, in time, who knows? Maybe I would of met someone. Eventually I did. At a BBQ, in Sunnyvale. He did court me. Date me. And swept me off my feet. We had almost 10 great yrs together. Until Aids took him away. That was a true test of god. I basically took care of him, and watched him wither away to a thin shadow of a man. And at that time. God was with me all the way. Giving me the strength of love, patience, power to continue on, and solace. I knew that there was a plan. That I was the reason to be with him. And he knew that there was a plan in all of this too. I being healthy and strong (I'm still hiv-), to carry my promise to be with him to the end. Bumpy as it was, prayer helped make the right choice. So alone, and single again, I did make some mistakes. Rebounding to a bad relationship. I took time to end that one, but eventually made it to where I am now. My life, my work, the changes and the challenges of both, are always there to keep me on my toes. In time of crisis, I tend to land on all fours. Someone(you know who), is always watching after me. I don't go to church or read the bible. But I pray. Sometimes not every day. But I think about God often. Sometimes I pray the formal catholic prayer. Sometimes I just talk to him (that's prayer too). Sometimes I ask him to forgive me for only praying for help when only in trouble or need (using him). Instead of praying at any time whether I need him or not. But I do thank him. For so much. I don't fear him. Why fear someone or something that has given us life, our earth, and and incredible mysterious universe to ponder and discover. But I also ask him, what is my purpose here on earth? What is my meaning here? There must be a reason why I am here. I need to do something , leave a legacy of myself. I sometimes get ancy and just want to do something. But what? What must I complete before I die? Not just exist. My faith is still with me. It follows me wherever I go.
I don't go to church often, don't shout the or rejoice Gods name in public, and sometimes, question the existence of Jesus, as his son (he has not arrived yet?). So how strong is my faith? Growing up in Quebec, Canada in the 50's and early 60's, I was influenced strongly by my church. My Catholic church. I attended private Catholic school until 4th grade, until we relocated to California, where I then attended public school. In Canada, my mother was active president of the PTA for yrs, and very involved with our parish. Our Monsignor was a very good friend of the family, and was at our house often (you can imagine him over at our house for dinner.I was in awe. Even some of the lay teachers were over for dinner. I had a huge crush on Mrs Early. What a beauty. I was so so speechless at the dinner table). Catholic school attire, was the typical uniform sort of thing with the blue blazers with crest displaying the cross, with the school name, and of course the gray slacks. Priest, nuns and laymen were the teaching staff. Yes, they were strict. Maybe too strict. For instance if you answered the math questions wrong, in oral tests, the teacher (layman) would come over to your desk and hit your knuckles with a ruler. If you had gum in your mouth, you had to sit in class with the gum on your nose until class ended. Not sure if this affected the children over the long run, but that's how it was. Maybe that is why my math skills are not so strong. I was hit on the knuckles too much, and still afraid I will get hit again if I get the wrong answer(lol). I clam up. But in the long run I never gave up on God. The school classes attended mass every Wednesday, in the school auditorium so I guess I was pretty religious. Or maybe brainwashed to be religious. I even built an alter in my bedroom, and went though all the rituals. I so wanted to be an alter boy as my cousin was. I was very shy in school, few friends. But things in my child hood, a brush with death and pneumonia. Ill for years, and nursed back to health by my adoptive mother , were some of the things that strengthened me with the help of my god. Even though not a big thing to others, I remember one night having a terrible sore throat, and earache. So painful, I could die. I did not want to wake parents, so I prayed hard. I eventually fell asleep, and woke up the next day fine. I believed the prayer did help, whether this was coincidence or not, this memory still sticks with me today. Of course we had to do the obligatory confession thing. At such a young age, what sins do we have? So of course one had to exaggerate, and tell the priest something, so we could be absolved of something. But eventually we slowed down on that, in Canada and in California. Our Monsignor friend told my mom that really, one did not have to go to confession as often as we think we should. Just pray to God, privately at night, and ask him to forgive you of any wrong doings, forgive others, and you will be blessed. What a forward thought. Especially coming form a French Canadian Priest! Of the 50's even. Over the yrs I heard that he was quite a mover and shaker for the parish. Sorta ahead of his time. Proof of our faith was shown by my parents. My parents were quite social, comfortable, but not rich by any means. And very well connected to the who's who of the town. This city, had its political strife. Catholics and Protestants not at ease with each other. French and English not at ease with each other. And no one at ease with the Jews. It was not openly blatant. But my mom said the prejudice was there. At least in their circle of friends. But looking back, my parents, were really the ones that followed the right path. Some of my parents friends, would ask, why they allowed me to play with Cathy Eichenburg (my child hood sweetheart). Why are they socializing with the family. They are Jewish you know. Why is Ricky playing with Peter Cory. They are Polish you know. Why is he hanging out the Susanne. She is French you know. My parents replied, they are fine and wonderful people. Basically saying" Mind your own business". They followed the right path of God. Which was instilled in me even today.
In California, much had changed. New life, different attitudes. The hippie era was ahead. My parents were lost, and had their own adjustment to deal with. I was the "alien", new kid in school. Yes "4 eyes" Rick, shy, sitting in the back of the class. Badgered by my peers. And there was the school bully that would beat me up once in awhile. But I continued to pray for help, and patience. I took karate to boost my confidence, and protect me too. It helped. As I entered my teens, and High School, I still was the shy guy. I really stopped going to church often, but still did not forget my god. I dated in high school, a nice Jewish/Catholic girl. She was involved in the Christian group in high school. I joined of course. But eventually we broke up, and I cut my self away from the Christian group also. I really did not like the group to begin with. I really did not think they were genuine to begin with. Sort of a "Fad" with them. Almost two faced in a way. Plus I think, and still think to this day, when they have to mention God in every other sentence, and bless everyone they talk to, that is a bit too much. Going overboard. Almost an obsession. It looses its sincerity. Loosing the real importance of God. Less is more as they say. Gestures and good deeds can show others the strength of Gods love. Not pontificating. College was next. There I blossomed. Both physically and mentally. Yes. I partied quite a bit. Dated, joined a fraternity (still had not come out to me yet). I had a hard time in class, I majored in Chemistry and later Biology. I really prayed at this moment in time (remember the ruler and knuckles?). But though perseverance, and a lot of prayer (I needed a lot) I graduated. Out of school, and work hard to find, I tried my hand in Real Estate. It was a good break from the sciences (which I loved). But I loved Real Estate too. I sure prayed a lot then too. I think I went thought 4 or 5 recessions. Boom and Bust. At that point in time, through circumstance I had discovered I was gay. And boy! Then I really prayed! Confused, guilty, sin ridden; the normal thing that many of us go thought during our discovery period. Of course it took time to accept myself, my lifestyle. My father at this time had developed ALS, a debilitating disease. To watch him change over time, and how my mom took care of him was an inspiration. God was certainly there to help all of us then. Back to the church and prayer, I tried to sort out these new gay experiences and feelings. And over time, and introspection and retrospection, I figured out that "I am" part of Gods plan. My faith grew stronger. My church attendance did dwindle a bit. I periodically attended the gay catholic services for awhile. It was nice seeing that so many like me can pray and be together. But also in my plan, was to meet someone. But as it seems, many people I already knew. And others were from the bar scene. That's ok. But not a serious LTR crowd. I eventually stopped going. But I think had I been a bit more patient, in time, who knows? Maybe I would of met someone. Eventually I did. At a BBQ, in Sunnyvale. He did court me. Date me. And swept me off my feet. We had almost 10 great yrs together. Until Aids took him away. That was a true test of god. I basically took care of him, and watched him wither away to a thin shadow of a man. And at that time. God was with me all the way. Giving me the strength of love, patience, power to continue on, and solace. I knew that there was a plan. That I was the reason to be with him. And he knew that there was a plan in all of this too. I being healthy and strong (I'm still hiv-), to carry my promise to be with him to the end. Bumpy as it was, prayer helped make the right choice. So alone, and single again, I did make some mistakes. Rebounding to a bad relationship. I took time to end that one, but eventually made it to where I am now. My life, my work, the changes and the challenges of both, are always there to keep me on my toes. In time of crisis, I tend to land on all fours. Someone(you know who), is always watching after me. I don't go to church or read the bible. But I pray. Sometimes not every day. But I think about God often. Sometimes I pray the formal catholic prayer. Sometimes I just talk to him (that's prayer too). Sometimes I ask him to forgive me for only praying for help when only in trouble or need (using him). Instead of praying at any time whether I need him or not. But I do thank him. For so much. I don't fear him. Why fear someone or something that has given us life, our earth, and and incredible mysterious universe to ponder and discover. But I also ask him, what is my purpose here on earth? What is my meaning here? There must be a reason why I am here. I need to do something , leave a legacy of myself. I sometimes get ancy and just want to do something. But what? What must I complete before I die? Not just exist. My faith is still with me. It follows me wherever I go.