cellboy: (OMG!)
How I learned to mind my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.....'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
what was going on.....

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick !

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14.....'
cellboy: (Dali)
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline Read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news,posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is....... Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery & even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and You'll be a lot happier and live longer.
cellboy: (Dali)
ganked from [livejournal.com profile] jackiesjunkie
God was just about done creating humans but he had two parts left over.

He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so he thought he might just as well ask them.

He told them one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains," said God.
cellboy: (Bear Flag)
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He
spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his
shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said,
"That was my cousin and you've got two choices … Either I maul you to
death
or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter
alternative. Even though he
felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered
and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge
grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big
mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I
maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better
to cooperate.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally
recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the
grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his
shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The
polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't
come here for the hunting, do you?"

iTit

Dec. 18th, 2008 03:49 pm
cellboy: (Mr Peabody and Sherman)
Apple announced today that it has developed a
breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough,
because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
cellboy: (Dali)
Sounds familiar-
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice letters on the table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table,
And notice that the bin is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the rubbish anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table,
And see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques,
But first I need to push the Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye - they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spillage
Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed,

The bills aren't paid,

There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail ...

Do me a favour
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh! If this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
cellboy: (Dali)
(Click to Enlarge)
cellboy: (Dali)
It's time that we all come together, Democrats and
> Republicans alike. Let's try to rise above all the
> partisan rhetoric and hurtful politics.
>
> Join me in a bipartisan effort for America - hope, change
> and country first:
>
> If you support the policies and character of Barack Obama,
> please drive with your headlights on during the day.
>
>
> If you support John McCain, please drive with your
> headlights off at night.
>
>
Together, we can make it happen! :)

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