Mortality

I am usually a happy and upbeat person, but these past couple of weeks, I have been feeling a bit down. My mom had a pacemaker installed. The first attempt was not too successful, for she was rushed back to correct the procedure. The pacemaker was confused and giving wrong signals to the heart,and could not deal with her racing beat. So now finally after her 3rd trip back to the hospital, she is fine, at my sisters, and recuperating well. I feel for my sister, for she is doing all the hospice care, before sending my mom back to her home. So guilt ridden, that I am not there to help, due to distance, work etc... I just don't feel right. I will try to be up there next weekend, to give my sister a break, and be with my mom at her house. Although my sister says there is no need. I think there is. There are some other health issues that have popped up that is more reason for concern.

This is also a reality check, that my mother(85 yrs. old) may not be living too long. The inevitable thing, death, the loss of the one remaining parent, and the reality check that I too, will not live forever.

Death really at most times does not frighten me. Although at times, I will have a sort of panic feeling, or awakening, that I will die. Having been by my dad's bedside for his last breath, loosing my partner to AIDS, was a learning experience. Not to sound morbid, but observing someones death was sort of a gift from them to me. It is hard to explain, but the strangest feeling comes over you when your there. There is an aura, or gain in strength, mental strength, love, and a feeling that they really did not leave us, but passed to another dimension. Again hard to explain, but you just have to be there. And of course, that experience may be different for someone else.

I am sad for my mom. I will miss her.

I think I need a walk on the beach. Off to Pacifica. That always makes me happy :-)