Why the "F" am I sometimes so closeted?

[cellboy]

1. Mark and Tony came down to look at the apt (Yes. They discussed where they would hang the sling)
2. They came into the office, and each gave me a big hug and kiss.
3. I then wonder, who saw? Did our maintenance man see?
4. Why the fuck am I so closeted?
5. In the workplace of the past I really never discussed my sex life or my lifestyle (although a few knew, and we talked freely about stuff). But I always listened to their straight needs.
6. My maintenance man today said that he went to a great club at Tahoe, and the babe waitress were hot. And he needs to get laid. He needs a girlfriend.
7. Why can't I tell him that the vacation last week was at Lazy Bear and the men were hot? And I get laid on a somewhat regular basis (that may be a bit of an exaggeration)
8. My maintenance man took me out for our Friday Mexican lunch (best on the peninsula). He asked, "What is that sticker on the back of your car?" (The leather flag sticker has been on my car for two yrs) I did not answer but changed the subject
9. Why the *F* am I so closeted?
10. I think all or some know about me, but are afraid to ask.
11. Maybe because I came out later in life, 30, and living on the mid-peninsula, I felt I had to be?
12. I am annoyed at myself
13, I am not out to my trainer (although he probably guesses, when I look at the others training)
14. I envy younger people, who really don't care what people think
15. But wait! As I am getting older I really don't care what people think about me either. So maybe there is hope? :)

Comments

[bukephalus.livejournal.com]

This a great post. I love how you've come up with all these examples and distilled them so succinctly. I like to think I'm out but when I read your examples, I can think of parallel cases in my own life. It's like I feel comfortable talking about my gay life to co-workers only so far as it matches their monogamous approach to relationships. But tell them I was walking around naked at a street fair? Uh, no.

Yes, there is hope. But don't blame yourself too much. You live in a culture that is both sex-negative and homophobic. It's amazing any of us are as out as we are.