Why the "F" am I sometimes so closeted?

[cellboy]

1. Mark and Tony came down to look at the apt (Yes. They discussed where they would hang the sling)
2. They came into the office, and each gave me a big hug and kiss.
3. I then wonder, who saw? Did our maintenance man see?
4. Why the fuck am I so closeted?
5. In the workplace of the past I really never discussed my sex life or my lifestyle (although a few knew, and we talked freely about stuff). But I always listened to their straight needs.
6. My maintenance man today said that he went to a great club at Tahoe, and the babe waitress were hot. And he needs to get laid. He needs a girlfriend.
7. Why can't I tell him that the vacation last week was at Lazy Bear and the men were hot? And I get laid on a somewhat regular basis (that may be a bit of an exaggeration)
8. My maintenance man took me out for our Friday Mexican lunch (best on the peninsula). He asked, "What is that sticker on the back of your car?" (The leather flag sticker has been on my car for two yrs) I did not answer but changed the subject
9. Why the *F* am I so closeted?
10. I think all or some know about me, but are afraid to ask.
11. Maybe because I came out later in life, 30, and living on the mid-peninsula, I felt I had to be?
12. I am annoyed at myself
13, I am not out to my trainer (although he probably guesses, when I look at the others training)
14. I envy younger people, who really don't care what people think
15. But wait! As I am getting older I really don't care what people think about me either. So maybe there is hope? :)

Comments

[urbear]

You really don't need to be closeted, you know, especially where you live. It's a reflex all of us of a certain age have, but it's surprisingly easy to overcome. I don't usually announce it to the world, but if a co-worker asks me a question that clearly assumes I'm straight, I'll gently correct them. Never got a negative reaction. In fact, the usual reaction is "you're gay?? COOL!" followed by a renewed interest in my life.

[cellboy.livejournal.com]

Yeah I don't want to continuously wave a flag, but I do need to be more easy with this. But maybe because I am a one man office, and my maintenance man is pretty redneck (actually very), and not too worldly as to sex, I am probably avoiding future ribbing, or constantly explaining why. Plus he is a major gossip. However others, would be very "Cool" with it all.

[grizzlyzone.livejournal.com]

Personally, I don't think the world has to know.

I'm a 52-year-old confirmed bachelor who lives with another guy, if they can't do the math...

[cellboy.livejournal.com]

So if someone asks if you are gay, what would you say?

[grizzlyzone.livejournal.com]

The funny thing is, people DON'T ask. Which means that there is no ambivalence in their mind if I am, or I'm not. Or, there's just no curiousity on the matter.

Now, it could be that they heard that I was sleeping with Joan. Which I did a few times... ;)

How would I answer it? I've always thought that if asked, I'd simply say, "Why? Because I never married and have a male roommate? People are gonna think whatever it is they're gonna think. If they're gonna ask, they must think that I am. And, no amount of denying it is gonna get them them to think differently."

Now, someone in the office IS. There is a car in the parking lot with a Human Rights Fund sticker on the bumper. I'd suspect it belongs to Ayman, who certainly has "the accent".

[furryseeker.livejournal.com]

Well, by the end of your post I think you're getting where you want to be. Look, as gay men who are old enough to remember when it was only cool to be gay in certain circles, we automatically edit ourselves out of self preservation and learned behavior. I also think we are part of our environments and have internalized to some extent some percentage of homophobia. We all work on that in different ways.

I hear what you're saying about the kids coming out now and how unparanoid they can live their lives, but I also haven't met so many who have any sense of gay history, of the trailblazers that went before them, or several other points related to respect even in general terms.

I enjoy being an out gay man who has lived through the stuff in the late '70s forward and it gives me so much more of an appreciation of where we are today. Even though I'm out to everyone in my life (even to potential employers) I don't feel a need to make a point of coming out to anyone anymore than a straight man needs to proclaim his heterosexuality. I don't shy away from the subject, but I don't evangelize either.

I commend you for being self-aware and payin' attention. Keep up the good work!

[cellboy.livejournal.com]

Good points. Stuff we all know, and good reminder to one's self. It is just sad that one has to be, or at least I feel I have to be, selective on who I am out to or not. And tired of explaining why I am, etc, instead of just accepting and moving on.

[furryseeker.livejournal.com]

Explaining? If I understand your comment correctly you are explaining why you're gay to those who ask?? You're being very generous if you're explaining why your gay to anybody. It's as simple as I have s&p hair, like the colors orange & green, 5'9" and I'm gay. That's all.

I also don't know anyone who 'knows' why they're gay. So good for you for being able to unravel that.

[cellboy.livejournal.com]

Actually not explaining, but reiterating how I discovered, came out etc. Some inquiring minds want to know :) But I would expect, knowing a few well, that would say, "eww, you sleep with men?". So adult isn't? This is not a big deal, but I think from now on, I will be more open. :) Happy Weekend!

[bukephalus.livejournal.com]

This a great post. I love how you've come up with all these examples and distilled them so succinctly. I like to think I'm out but when I read your examples, I can think of parallel cases in my own life. It's like I feel comfortable talking about my gay life to co-workers only so far as it matches their monogamous approach to relationships. But tell them I was walking around naked at a street fair? Uh, no.

Yes, there is hope. But don't blame yourself too much. You live in a culture that is both sex-negative and homophobic. It's amazing any of us are as out as we are.