temporary shivers or panic
Apr. 2nd, 2009 05:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cellboyAfter hearing of ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
darthmoose's passing, I am reminded of this.
When young we think we are invincible and the we will live forever. As for me, I realize that I am not invincible, but never think of *not* living forever. But once in awhile it hits me. That someday I will not be here. Forever. Then I have a short and quick panic.
1. Even though I have lost loved ones, I really don't think about it being my turn, today, tomorrow or in the future. Human nature I guess. Denial. I suppose if all of us dwell-ed on this daily, we'd all be a mess. So denial is sort of a mental protection for us all I suppose.
2. When it does hit me, I have a split second panicked feeling. A pit in my stomach. Someday, I will not be here!
3. Then I think, will I miss the blue sky, green leaves sparkling in the sun? The rain? Will I still see all of this, but in a different way?
4. More so of really not knowing the where I will go, if I will go anywhere. Is there a god, a maker, a 4,5 6 dimension?
5. Then I think if there is a god, a maker, when and how did this all begin? If it began from nothing, where did that nothing begin? Nothing had to of been something. And where and how did that something come from? Emanate from?
6. Oy! Depressing post? Sorry. Back to work.
7. Is it 6pm yet
darthmoose's passing, I am reminded of this. When young we think we are invincible and the we will live forever. As for me, I realize that I am not invincible, but never think of *not* living forever. But once in awhile it hits me. That someday I will not be here. Forever. Then I have a short and quick panic.
1. Even though I have lost loved ones, I really don't think about it being my turn, today, tomorrow or in the future. Human nature I guess. Denial. I suppose if all of us dwell-ed on this daily, we'd all be a mess. So denial is sort of a mental protection for us all I suppose.
2. When it does hit me, I have a split second panicked feeling. A pit in my stomach. Someday, I will not be here!
3. Then I think, will I miss the blue sky, green leaves sparkling in the sun? The rain? Will I still see all of this, but in a different way?
4. More so of really not knowing the where I will go, if I will go anywhere. Is there a god, a maker, a 4,5 6 dimension?
5. Then I think if there is a god, a maker, when and how did this all begin? If it began from nothing, where did that nothing begin? Nothing had to of been something. And where and how did that something come from? Emanate from?
6. Oy! Depressing post? Sorry. Back to work.
7. Is it 6pm yet
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-04-03 11:21 am (UTC)My 26th birthday is 2 days away. I don't understand why now would be the time for my mortality to stare me down in the face.
I do not fear death for myself, but for what it will put my loved ones through. This may be the sole reason that has kept me from suicide in the past. Well, not the sole reason.
The other reason is the same reason I never sleep. I don't want to miss anything! There is so much to see and do and not enough hours in a day/etc.
The only thing this is really affecting is my desire to spend 40+ hours a week working. Half my life is spent working. HALF! I don't like this, I am alienating friends, and causing myself stress and physical harm.
I don't even want to think about religion, or afterlife. I can only think about what's going on now, and being afraid that it will go on forever, and by forever I mean until I die because after that I won't be a part of it.
Eh, fun times right?
no subject
Date: 2009-04-03 08:13 pm (UTC)